I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
