I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
