Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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