I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
