dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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