while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I deserve to be covered in dicks
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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