This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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