legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Text me some of your sweat
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
