Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
