she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
