hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
