I hate your face
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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