I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
