there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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