i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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