my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
