You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
