If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Holy sore nipples Batman
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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