Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
