I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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