After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
