Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
