i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
