overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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