hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
