took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
