dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
