I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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