I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
