Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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