**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I could fuck to npr.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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