I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
