this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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