Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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