Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
