I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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