They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
