so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
