Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
