The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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