If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Barsexuality is the new black.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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