It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My pussy is not your playground.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
