Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
worst night to have a conscience
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
