I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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