3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
