I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
