Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
