Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
