I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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