So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
