Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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